The Evil Villain Henchman Exchange Program
by Rhianwen
Summary: Joker and Wendy are given a valuable opportunity for learning, outreach, and new friendships forged through common interests. Naturally, they are Not Happy about this. A Star Wars crossover.
1. The Setup

The Evil Villain Henchman Exchange Program

* * *

Summary: Joker and Wendy are given a valuable opportunity for learning, outreach, and new friendships forged through common interests. Naturally, they are Not Happy about this. A Star Wars crossover.

* * *

Disclaimer: Kurata owns some, Lucas owns others. I'm sure you can figure out who owns what. Rhianwen, incidentally, owns approximately zilch.

* * *

_Dear Joker and Secretary,_

_Congratulations! You have been carefully hand-selected to participate in a tremendous learning opportunity, known as the Evil Villain Henchman Exchange Program, or EVHEP. The purpose of EVHEP is to broaden the horizons of henchmen and evil masterminds everywhere, by giving the chance to network with others in a similar position throughout the Multiverse. _

_If you choose to participate in the program, Miss Earhart will travel immediately to A Galaxy Far Far Away to assist a mysterious and cunning mastermind known only as The Emperor. In the meantime, Mr. The Emperor's trusted henchman will travel from A Galaxy Far Far Away to assist you, Mr. Joker, in your day-to-day operations._

_Mr. Vader, the valued assistant of Mr. The Emperor, is a highly sensitive man firmly in touch with his anger and able to channel it into his work, which is at all times supplemented by his unique personal skills. These include frequent disposal of unnecessary high-ranking officials, the ability to levitate stuff with his mind, and one heck of an intimidation factor._

_We realize that a short adjustment period may be necessary. But we fully expect that, before long, the rewards of such a grand undertaking will become apparent, and all those involved will grow as more fully realized evil individuals._

_Yours truly,_

_H._

_

* * *

_

Joker looked up from the scrap of parchment, frowning in bewildered annoyance.

"Evil villain!" he repeated. He leaned forward over his desk. "Wendy, did you put me on some sort of mailing list?"

Wendy sighed in weary annoyance and rolled her eyes.

"You didn't register your software with Microsoft again, did you?"

"It did it automatically! I couldn't stop it; I don't know how to use Windows!"

"You could have just said, 'Wendy, come here and use Windows for me, will you?'" she suggested snippily, crossing her arms and glaring at him.

"Good idea," he commented, nodding his approval. "I'll remember that for next time."

"Right; when do I leave then?" she asked hopefully.

He shook his head.

"I don't know if we should participate in a program like this, Wendy. I can't afford the time it would take to train a new assistant; making my tea is a very demanding process, very exact specifications."

"Yes, I know," she said through gritted teeth.

"And that aside, what exactly do they mean by referring to us this way? Evil Villain and Henchman? How many times do I have to repeat it? We are not _evil_, we are acting in the best interests of the world."

It was just as well that he didn't notice her mouthing silently along with the entire abridged version of his favourite speech.

"Yes, I've heard that somewhere before," she said pleasantly, before looking rather offended. "But Henchman? Excuse me, of all the idiotic, sexist things—"

"I think you're missing the point, Wendy; we're not evil!"

"Yes, and I'm not a man," she added impatiently.

He allowed himself a rather sly smile.

"I haven't missed _that _point."

"Sir, focus," she prodded. "Are we going to participate or not?"

"I honestly don't know," he replied. "Who is this 'H' person? Could it be Mr. Gentleman, do you suppose?"

Wendy's expression was one of intense concentration as she went back over the spelling of Mr. and Gentleman, trying to find the 'H' that she had apparently missed. Finally, she gave up.

"Sir, _where_ is the 'H' in Mr. Gentleman?"

"It's his first name, obviously," Joker replied, chuckling.

"I-I thought his first name was Nicholas."

"Wendy, he's far too clever to give us his _real_ first initial. It's likely Cyrillic."

"So…in Cyrillic, an 'H' is an 'N'?"

"Yes, and a 'P' is an 'R'," he replied.

She nodded hesitantly.

"Oh."

"Yes, 'O' is generally 'O'."

There was a prolonged pause.

"So, since it's _clearly_ Mr. Gentleman giving us directions from beyond the grave, should I go pack, then?"

"Yes, if it is the will of Mr. Gentleman, we are in no position to question it."

"Right," she agreed with artificial brightness. "Good old H."

* * *

_Dear The Emperor and Apprentice,_

_Congratulations! You have been carefully hand-selected to participate in a tremendous learning opportunity, known as the Evil Villain Henchman Exchange Program, or EVHEP. The purpose of EVHEP is to broaden the horizons of henchmen and evil masterminds everywhere, by giving the chance to network with others in a similar position throughout the Multiverse. _

_If you choose to participate in the program, Mr. Vader will travel immediately to The British Library, in A Galaxy Far Far Away In the Other Direction, to assist a rather prissy and effeminate mastermind known to the world as Joker in his machinations of darkest literacy. In the meantime, Mr. Joker's trusted secretary will travel from A Galaxy Far Far Away In the Other Direction to assist you, Mr. The Emperor, in your day-to-day operations._

_Miss Earhart is a young lady of a calm and extremely obedient, and at times frighteningly obsessive disposition. Her unique personal achievements include prodigious firearm skill, high aptitude with the medium of tea, and the ability to spread chaos and destruction wherever she goes without being harmed in the slightest. In addition, she is an excellent typist. _

_We realize that a short adjustment period may be necessary. But we fully expect that, before long, the rewards of such a grand undertaking will become apparent, and all those involved will grow as more fully realized evil individuals._

_Yours truly,_

_H._

_

* * *

_

The Emperor looked up from the short letter, a frown possibly wrinkling his forehead, although it did always tend to look like that - beneath the shadows of his voluminous hooded robe, Darth Vader could not tell if this _was_ a frown, or if the man was just generally a wrinkly old bastard.

He was betting on the second.

Yellow eyes gleamed at the helmeted man.

"Did you sign me up to another mailing list?"

When the helmet tipped forward slightly in sheepishness, the cloaked man sighed and shook his head.

"Lord Vader, you have to start using your anger in more productive ways, which, by the way, does not extend to signing me up for silly mailing lists for Home and Gardening magazines—"

"I thought the place could do with some sprucing," Darth Vader commented sourly."

"—putting tacks on my throne, or depleting my supply of Admirals," The Emperor continued, ignoring him.

"What else could I possibly do, Master?" Vader demanded piteously. "We've destroyed all our enemies; how else can I occupy my time? It's just you and me now, and I suppose I could kill you, but then what?"

"I'll forget you said that…again," The Emperor said, glowering menacingly. "I think this exchange program will do you good, Lord Vader. Working for someone else might make you begin to appreciate what you have here. There are far worse bosses, you know. I only hope," he continued in a tone that vaguely implied that he would be hitching up his belt if he wore one, "that this…Miss Earhart does not become too attached to me."

"I don't foresee it becoming a problem," Vader assured him.

The Emperor frowned.

"That is not what I foresee," he said, before turning to his apprentice. "Are you sure that your feelings on this matter are clear?"

"Not really," Vader replied dismissively. "There is one thing that troubles me, Master."

"Yes?"

"What do they mean by referring to us as evil?"

The Emperor sighed and put a hand on Vader's shoulder companionably.

"They only referred to _me_ as evil, and everyone says _I'm_ evil – I'm a politician! But I just want what's best for the galaxy. You know that, Lord Vader."

"Of course, Master. But I do object to the term 'henchman'."

"I'm sure they meant it in the best possible way."

"Makes me sound like a toady."

"Lord Vader, there is no one who would mistake you for a toady. But the matter of who this 'H' is concerns me. Have you any ideas, Lord Vader?"

"None, Master."

"I suspect that it is The Hwill of the Force."

"…Of course, Master. I can see why the Hwill of the force would use such a mode of communication. Not to mention, misspell its own name."

The Emperor glared.

"Thank-you, Lord Vader, that will be all."

"…Yes, Master."

* * *

End Notes: Eheh...there's really nothing to say here, is there?  



	2. Week 1

Chapter 1

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Additional Disclaimer: Rhianwen also does not own Mr. T, and has just been informed that if she ever claims to, she will be thrown helluva far. Translation, anyone?

* * *

_Dear The Emperor,_

_The trip here to A Galaxy Far, Far Away In The Other Direction went well. I spent it largely menacing the flight attendants. In just the right light, they began to resemble our Admirals. Several of them have since tragically and mysteriously perished._

_And frankly, this Mr. Joker person just may be next. He was waiting for me at the airport with a vehicle, but he expected me to drive it back to the Library. And it didn't even leave the ground! The conditions on this planet are truly barbaric. _

_Once we reached this Library of his, he promptly sent me to 'fetch us some tea, there's a good chap'. I attempted to assure him that there was nothing 'good' or 'chappy' about me, but I do not think he heard me, as he was already looking crestfallen and recalling audibly, 'Oh…you're not Wendy.'_

_I replied that no, I was not, as I was a man. Well, more machine than man, but I digress. _

_How is the Wendy girl working out? Make sure you tell her not to touch any of my stuff. Especially my Admirals. I am going to have a lot of stress to release by the time I return. I sense it in the Force._

_Particularly as I am currently living in the girl's apartment, surrounded at all times by disgustingly feminine décor, and subsisting only on bottled water. And this strange white-haired boy keeps wandering through my walls. No, that is not a typo. He really did walk through my wall. It is a clever trick, but I was in no mood to appreciate it at three in the morning when he wandered in and began asking me rude questions like "Who are you?" and "What are you doing in Ms. Wendy's bed?" "And wearing her nightie?" _

_It was a nice nightie, Master. You know that sometimes I like to feel pretty. _

_In the end, I had to choke the boy to death. Well, I tried. But he just sort of stood there, giving me a strange look. In the end boredom prevailed, and we agreed on a mutual cease-fire. _

_Today has been scarcely better, filled with menial tasks such as serving biscuits to several important politicians who had come for a meeting._

_Far more disturbing was the task that Mr. Joker assigned me of softening the men to his wise and eloquent words with my girlish charms. _

_This was terribly embarrassing, and I do not think they were convinced. So I choked them all. Then cut them in two. You have always told me to be thorough, master. I remember when Ben Kenobi disappeared, I did a thorough kicking of his robe, just to be sure that he was not hiding in one of the pockets. Those Jedi are tricky._

_Mr. Joker was rather off-put by coming into the room to begin the meeting and finding fifteen dead men slumped over the table and scattered about the floor. He had several harsh words for me. So I choked him as well. Then, remembering the terms of the exchange, I decided not to kill him. _

_Yet._

_I may leave him up to you, although killing him would mean that we would be contractually obligated to keep the girl, and I refuse to share a room. Particularly with someone who has amassed the CD collection I found. The Cure. For the love of The Force. _

_Your obedient servant,_

_Darth Vader._

_P.S. Send Admirals. I need something to kill._

_

* * *

_

_Dear Lord Vader,_

_I am glad to hear that you are adjusting so well to your new life in A Galaxy Far, Far Away In The Other Direction. I must confess that things here at Coruscant are hardly going so smoothly. _

_Although we did little more than try to help her settle in, she somehow managed to break my lightsabre, the silly twit. Now I am completely unarmed. I shot Force Lightning at her, but at that exact moment, she noticed a shiny thing on the ground and bent to pick it up. _

_The Lightning hit a rather dumbstruck Admiral who happened to be passing by and stopped for a closer look. His last words were, "I don't recall Lord Vader having such a sweet ass."_

_That is, aside from "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!" _

_The latter, I believe, was far more eloquent. Certainly, far more helpful and less conducive of giving me disturbing and unwanted mental images. Although…_

_Still, the timing was uncanny. Almost as though she knew the blast was coming beforehand. As though she sensed it with the Force. _

_I do not sense the Force in her at all – really, at all – but she could be a – very – skilled Force Masker. Those exist; I'm sure of it. No one will dare correct me, anyway._

_Perhaps the matter deserves some further consideration._

_That is, if she will stop distracting me by asking if I would like a cup of T. _

_I have no idea what that is. But she does seem obsessed with it. Perhaps this 'T' obsession can be turned to anger at her unjust separation from whatever it is, and her anger may prove useful. _

_Oh, and the little idiot sends you a message: "you may keep the nightie; it's a present." Also " ew."_

_Lord Vader…I do miss you. I miss your anger. The most I get from this child is the occasional hissy fit. Which generally leads to weeping. _

_Do try to stay angry; we don't want you becoming calm, for that way lies weakness. And we don't want you to be weak. Although, from what Wendy has told me, this Joker has an expert's skill with making people angry. Also, he is a demon in the sack, mrowr, whatever that means. I have vague recollections of doing "demonic" things in this "sack", but they are dim memories at best. _

_Love and kisses,_

_Palpy_

_P.S. I am _not_ paying the postage fees for sending something as large and unwieldy as an Admiral through the mail, Lord Vader!_

_

* * *

_

_Dear Mr. Joker,_

_I hope this letter finds you well. Although, not too well, because the last thing I want is for you to decide that Mr. Vader is a better assistant than I am, and that the exchange is going to be permanent._

_This is not to say that life on Coruscant isn't interesting – it is certainly that. Mr. The Emperor is the most utterly insane person I've ever worked for. And I'm sure _you_ of all people know that _that_ is saying something._

_Today began with an aggravating and ultimately fruitless search for some tea. When I asked yesterday if Mr. The Emperor would like me to fetch him a cup to enjoy with his diabolical scheming (because I know how much you like that, and I thought it was sort of an evil mastermind "thing"), he behaved as though he had never heard of it, which I honestly thought was only him being silly. That evil mastermind sense of humour, you know. But when I asked one of the several Admirals roaming about and looking as though every second might be their last, they all stared at me as though I'd grown another head, too._

_So, I can only conclude that this Galaxy _is_ utterly tea-less. How barbaric._

_And the milk is _blue

_At least the swordplay is fun. Because Mr. The Emperor has decided that I must be taught to use a sword. I told him that I was quite good with a gun, but nevertheless, he insisted. And the swords here are so pretty! They glow all different colours! The one he's given me to borrow while I'm here is red, but apparently there are blue ones, and green ones, and indigo ones, and yellow ones, and even purple ones! _

_I asked if I could have a pink one, which for some reason led him to shoot lightning at the man standing behind me when I dropped my helmet and bent down to pick it up._

_Oh, right; the helmet. It's part of my new "uniform". He said something about all the things I brought along with me failing utterly to strike terror into the hearts of the galaxy. I told him that I should bloody well hope not, because I considered myself a reasonably fashionable girl, but he only smirked before incinerating all my pretty skirts and blouses. I told him that I expected him to replace all those, and he told me that of course, he planned to give me something more suitable to wear._

_A bloody _bikini_, just to clarify. A black leather bikini, with a cape sprouting out of the back. Looks utterly silly, but not nearly as silly as the helmet. But when I complained about it, Mr. The Emperor just got really annoyed and called me an ingrate. And after all the trouble he'd gone to in popping out the face-plate, too. Must have taken him five whole seconds. _

_Nevertheless, the training got underway. That is to say, Mr. The Emperor gave me the pretty red glowing sword, pointed at a very nervous-looking man in a uniform, and told me to kill._

_I asked if maybe he oughtn't to give the poor man a weapon if we were going to fight. Mr. The Emperor replied that we _weren't_ going to fight – I was going to kill. That is, apparently, what they keep these poor men around for. Target practice._

_I swear, Mr. Joker, I will never, ever complain about my job again._

_Best of luck with Mr. Vader's training, and I hope I'll see you soon._

_Your obedient servant who can barely see in her silly helmet,_

_Wendy._

_P.S. Send tea. Please! I'm becoming desperate!_

_

* * *

_

_Dear Wendy,_

_I am glad to hear that you are having such fun with Mr. The Emperor on Coruscant. I am, in fact, so glad to hear it, that I shall disregard the twenty-seven or so times you referred to me as an "evil mastermind" in your letter. Put it up to high spirits and adrenaline, and all that. _

_But please do recall that, for future reference, we are not evil, we are misunderstood visionaries._

_I also must wonder, when you refer to all these utterly insane people you have apparently worked for, who you are talking about. I do hope that you are not referring to Mr. Gentleman, because I will not stand to either hear, or read about, him disparaged. _

_Getting back on track, I must say that the idea of you using any kind of sword is both exciting and terrifying. What sort of property damage bill can I expect to receive from Mr. The Emperor when this is all over?_

_I cannot afford to divert any more money from the Mr. Gentleman Revival Fund, as we have recently discovered a completely unexpected source of economic drain. That is to say, we have recently found it necessary to pay off several countries to keep quiet when the ambassadors they sent to us for a meeting were mysteriously cut in half. It is a good thing that diplomacy is still easily bought, but this will put the project behind schedule by about two months. _

_This, regrettably, has not been the worst of it. As you have said, this barbaric galaxy must be utterly tea-less, as Mr. Vader is apparently entirely ignorant as to its proper construction, and indeed, its function. _

_I sent him to fetch a cup not long ago, and thought no more of it. A simple request, after all. You will not believe what he brought back._

_You have, of course, heard of the semi-popular 1980's celebrity known only as Mr. T. I hadn't, but I found myself compelled to do a little research when Mr. Vader dragged the man in question into the room, suspended by his neatly bound ankles, his "bling" clanking frantically as he struggled to escape. As you might expect, I rather justifiably asked Mr. Vader just what the hell was going on here. _

_To which he replied, "I have brought you T, Master. It took quite a lot of searching on your Galaxy's non-holographic communications network, but no man is beyond the reach of a Sith."_

_Meanwhile, poor Mr. T was left to hang upside down in the middle of the room, informing us that we were both fools, to be pitied._

_With some degree of trepidation, I felt it necessary to inform Lord Vader that this wasn't exactly, precisely what I had been looking for._

_He seemed rather put-off by this, as he had apparently gone to considerable effort to locate and apprehend this somewhat hermetic cult figure._

_I believe Lord Vader is still in his room, sulking, and I'm not sure what we're going to do about this T fellow._

_And I still don't have a bloody cup of tea!_

_I may be forced to drastic action._

_I may be forced to…get it myself._

_God help me._

_Joker_

_P.S. I have mustered up all my strength and courage, and fixed a cup of tea. I have also fixed a second one, which I mailed just a moment ago. It should arrive sometime within the next year, weather permitting. Try to hang on; it's not been easy on any of us._

_

* * *

_End Notes: Questions? Comments? Howls of outrage?_  
_


	3. Week 2

Chapter 2

-----------------------------------------------

_Dear The Emperor,_

_I do not think I will have any trouble keeping angry, Master. Mr. Joker, it seems, is notoriously difficult to please. For everyone except this Wendy, who he has told me is adept at it, mrowr._

_I do not want to know, Master. I do not want to know._

_The other day, the man sent me to fetch him some T. He just threw the order out without a second thought. He didn't stop to say please, or to tell me that my work is appreciated, or to show any common courtesy at all. It is as though I am just a piece of furniture that happens to be here to obey his every whim. And the rest are just as bad. No one respects me around here; no one appreciates the work I do._

_Do you have any idea how long it took me to track down T, who insisted that I call him Mr. T, foo? Whatever that means. I am familiar with many Imperial languages, but I am not up to speed on this bizarre dialect. _

_It was an exhausting process to locate him, to say the least. First, I had to go to this galaxy's non-holographic communications network and perform a search for T on something known as Google. Silly name. _

_I had several results returned, many of which involved two or more beings engaging in the most perverse of activities, rather reminiscent of my honeymoon._

_I dismissed the idea right out of hand that Mr. Joker was asking me for any of these things, as he has stopped mistaking me for Miss Wendy. Thank the Force._

_Once I had found this T, it remained to track him down, which was only slightly less difficult. Finding his underground home, beating him to the ground, and binding him securely. Not to mention, floating him all the way back to the Library, and dealing with all the questions from local law enforcement. All in all, I think that the three hours it took me to fetch Mr. Joker his T was quite reasonable, and should have commanded a bit more gratitude that "what the bloody hell took you so…eh!"_

_I have spent the entire day thus far in my room out of protest to his non-recognition of my superior tracking skills. Not what he was asking for? He should have been more specific! I can track down anything, if he tells me what it is!_

_And by the way, Master, you had better not have your temp using _my_ old training lightsabre. _

_There is one woman who was allowed to touch my lightsabre. And she is dead now. I am working on my anger management, Master. _

_Today was no better. That man sent me to write a report on events of which I knew nothing. Needless to say, I made most of it up. Which was no small feat with that little boy popping in every now and again to break my concentration. I swear, as soon as I figure out how, I am going to kill him. My Force powers are useless, and even my lightsabre passes right through him. And not in the usual way._

_If you have any ideas, Master, please let me know, as I fear that I will soon reach the point that I will be willing to compromise and take my own life._

_Your obedient servant,_

_Darth Vader._

_-----------------------------------------------------------------_

_Dear Lord Vader,_

_No, don't work on your anger management; I specifically instructed you to stay angry! _

_Well, this is just wonderful. Now _I'm_ angry. It just isn't the same, though, Lord Vader – no one throws a temper tantrum quite like you._

_Although, there has been plenty in my life as of late to induce anger. This girl is insufferable. If it weren't for the promise she has shown thus far with a lightsabre, I would zap her but good. Gooooood._

_I apologize, Lord Vader; I forgot where I was for a moment._

_Anyway. _

_She has spent most of the day redecorating my throne room, after I told her to leave a few Admirals for later. She has been killing them faster than we have been able to promote them. We have the Imperial Academy working overtime._

_But back to my new décor. I was rather fond of the black. The earth tones and potted plants, not to mention the soothing suede furniture, really do nothing for me. Nor do the stylish barstools and granite countertops. Particularly as I did not previously have a counter. _

_She tells me she found it all on some planet called Ikeyyya. Said that she generally doesn't bother with the cheap stuff, but this was an exception, since the room was clearly desperate._

_I was not quite sure how to take that. If anything, I should be grateful that she does not consider my feelings more often. I doubt my sanity could survive. _

_In order to get some time to work on my various projects (not to mention, to keep her out of the way whilst I hire an un-decorator), I have sent her to the forest moon of Endor to oversee the construction of the new Death Star. Hopefully, this will keep her busy. And hopefully, I will not find it aesthetically decorated according to the principles of Feng Shui. If I see one potted plant anywhere, I'm going to be quite angry. And we all know what happens when I get angry. People go "bzzzt!"_

_Well, actually, _they_ don't go "bzzzt"; I actually go "bzzzt", and they just sort of wiggling on the floor, screaming._

_Eh…anyway…_

_Love and kisses, _

_Palpy._

_P.S. If no one's using that 'T' fellow, you could always send him here. Perhaps he can become a bounty hunter. The Force knows, this galaxy could use a good one for a change. _

_-----------------------------------------------_

_Dear Mr. Joker, _

_I'm on the Death Star! Isn't that thrilling?_

_Well, actually, it isn't, really; it's rather boring just yet, but it certainly _sounds_ nice and dramatic! Mr. The Emperor sent me away rather suddenly after I redecorated his little alone-time happy place for him, so I believe he must want my particular area of expertise for this project._

_God knows, this place could use a woman's touch. Everything's dull and grey and metal; it looks like it was designed by the Germans._

_Anyway, the first thing I did was talk to the commander of this station. And he was really quite rude. Demanded to know who I was, and who the hell had given me clearance, and he called me 'space doll' several times._

_Only until I told him I was working directly for the Emperor, though. Then he just sort of cowered and made noises. I think he expected me to choke him to death or something. So I did. _

_His replacement was much more polite. Almost to the point of timidity. It got a little aggravating – like dealing with a full-grown version of Junior. _

_Although, it seems as though word of me has gotten around; all I have to do is make a hand gesture as though I'm choking someone, and they all run and hide behind things. It's rather cute, really. _

_The next day, I received word from Mr. The Emperor that he was going to be coming soon himself, to see if I had succeeded in motivating the troops. _

_I suggested that maybe he ought to bring them all some nice cookies or muffins or something, because motivating through kindness was much more effective than motivating through fear. He said that he would take it under advisement._

_Then the wall behind me exploded, just as I found my necklace that I had dropped earlier, and bent to pick it up. Strange, isn't it? Shoddy workmanship in this place, honestly. Surprised the entire place hasn't inexplicably exploded._

_Oh, well; give it time._

_After I got off the holo-net, I took immediate action. I put all the workers into time management classes, but strangely, their efficiency hasn't improved yet. _

_Well, I suppose they just need more classes! As Mr. Gentleman always liked to say, "That's the ticket!"_

_And with that, I suppose I ought to get going. I have to have a chat with the Commander. _

_So, I'll let you know how that goes._

_I hope you're all doing well back home._

_Lots of love,_

_Wendy._

_--------------------------------------------------------_

_Dear Wendy,_

_I miss you more everyday. I miss your sweet smile, and your bell-like laugh, and your soft warm touch, and your sweet, sweet backside._

_Oh, yes; and your typing skills and general coherency. _

_I've just gotten through Lord Vader's attempt at a report, and I must say, I was not terribly impressed. The man is completely out of control. Not only was it not in any way related to the subject of the conference, but it was not even in English. What I could decipher of it ranted on for several pages about Jedi scum, and the subjectivity of good and evil._

_And those were the parts that I understood. What the hell is a Jedi, anyway? What bizarre colloquialisms, never mind the bollocks. _

_But that is neither here nor there, as it were._

_It was horribly embarrassing to find myself up on the podium, reading out Vader's speech in a tea-deprived half-daze, and not realizing what I was saying until I had proudly informed all those listening that it is our passions that make us strong, and one must embrace a larger view of the Force, not merely the dogmatic views of the Jedi. _

_Those Jedi again. What _are_ they? _

_I do have some good news, however: we have located Agent Paper. She was (get this) living in a library._

_How the hell did we not think to look for her there? Honestly, Wendy, what have you been doing for five years? Knitting the wallpaper? _

_We went to pay her a friendly visit, but were rather rudely received. Although, I don't suppose we helped the situation by pulling out Super Soakers. _

_Vader, naturally, was nowhere to be found, the one time when he could have been useful. Needless to say, I had sent him off on a mission to gather together all the books in Jinbou-cho. Dangling the carrot before the eyes of the horse and all that. _

_Although, in this case, it was a very large carrot. _

_A very large carrot lit on fire when our young Mr. Vader began to have a temper tantrum over something. _

_I never know just what it is with him. Likely something to do with that Mr. Tea fellow. At any rate, by the time I arrived, Agent Paper was long gone, the books were beyond saving, and a lot of very angry citizens were having things thrown at them by Vader. Including a few of our own men, who did not take kindly to being demoted to the rank of projectile. To which Vader had replied, "it could have been worse; I could have made you an Admiral."_

_Whatever that means. I always thought Admiral was a fine rank, really. But perhaps, in A Galaxy Far Far Away, Admiral and Yeoman are reversed. It doesn't matter, I suppose._

_Moving on, by the time I had gotten there, Yomiko and her little team of playmates had long since fled, as I honestly don't blame them for doing, as Mr. Vader was swinging some sort of glowing red sword madly about and sending little bits of our men flying to and fro. Made rather a big mess._

_Just as soon as you get back, Wendy, we'll have to look into hiring some new employees. It shouldn't be difficult, as the rumours about my psychotic assistant feature his being several inches taller than you, and lacking certain bits that, if I recall correctly, you have._

_I miss those bits horribly…_

_Oh, yes, and if you have a moment, Wendy, I'll need you to do up an annual report for me, since Mr. Vader is not to be trusted with anything. Just email it to me when you're done, will you? Thank-you, dear._

_Counting the seconds until this is all over,_

_Joker._


	4. Week 3

_Dear The Emperor  
_

_How is everything back home? I never imagined I would miss it so badly. The atmospherically dark decor; the austere, uncluttered simplicity; the lack of decorating magazines as the only available reading material, causing me to analyze the aesthetic appeal of my surroundings as though Padme had never captured my heart and my heads as she had, and all three had lain instead with Obi-Wan Kenobi. _

_I am writing this very, very late at night, as Joker has spent the last several hours berating me for some little incident. If he didn't want every book in the district lit on fire, why did he have them in a huge, highly flammable pile, drenched in gasoline? Which, I am told, is a highly flammable substance. _

_He was also a little perturbed over the simultaneous resignations of each and every one of his own model of Storm Troopers. It did little to improve his mood when I suggested that, if he had solidified their programming more thoroughly, the problem might not have arisen. I then took the liberty of choking them all to death with the Force. He was not amused._

_I thought (once again) about choking _him_ to death with the Force, but (once again) was stopped by the idea of having this Wendy and her terrible music collection as a permanent roommate. Particularly given the chance of that boy coming along, too._

_Sadly, Master, I am no closer to finding the boy's weakness and sending him to the great Sarlacc pit in the sky. _

_That, I feel, is the best place for all overrated little twerps who consider themselves dark and dangerous. _

_At any rate, my "meeting" with Joker ended at long last, and after assuring him that no, I did not want a "nice cup of T to soothe my nerves", I made my escape._

_What followed was a harrowing ride on a transport of some description, crowded with citizens approximately half my height. Several of whom felt the need to ask if I was part of a publicity campaign for a new science fiction program, and if they might have a photograph as long as I was posing anyway._

_Whatever that meant._

_Although, one pleasant surprise has come of an otherwise wasted day. When I arrived back at the modern artsy wasteland that I am forced to temporarily call home, I found it empty. There was a note from the little boy:_

"_Dear Mr. Vader,_

_I've gone to join forces with the good guys. See you!_

_Love, Junior._

_P.S. There's water in the fridge."_

_I informed Joker about it immediately. Not taking the initiative to make unwanted contact with the man, of course – two minutes after I walked in the door, the phone rang, because he had forgotten where he had put the teakettle. _

_However, the news about the little boy's defecting to the side of our enemies distracted him, and sent him into a ten-minute speech about ethics and loyalty, very similar to ones I've heard before, until he eventually just broke down and started whimpering, "but WE'RE the good guys! And I still can't find my kettle!"_

_I promptly hung up, Master, and enjoyed the luxury of having the entire apartment to myself, and all the bottled water I can pour into my suit's environmental interface apparatus._

_There are times when I hate this thing. _

_So, at the end of the day, Master, our targets have escaped, one of our allies has defected, our leader is hopeless, our minions have resigned and been killed, and she still won't give us back our book._

_Your obedient servant,_

_Darth Vader_

_------------------------------------------------_

_Dear Lord Vader,_

_I am writing this from the Death Star, as I arrived early yesterday evening. It was an exceptionally long flight, particularly as I spent it dreading what I might find when I arrived._

_Miss Wendy did not disappoint._

_Regrettably._

_No, she is not dead. But not for lack of trying on my part. Floor #337 of the Death Star is gone. But alas, she is still here._

_I am certain by now that the Force is exceptionally strong in this one. So strong that she can disguise it completely. I cannot sense it at all! There has only been one being in the history of the Galaxy whose power with the Force was so strong that he could mask it from others. And that was me!_

_And believe me, Lord Vader, it took considerable effort. Yet she seems to be doing it with no effort at all!_

_It must be the Force. How else could she have cleverly avoided my fifteen attempts to kill her? She couldn't have; that's how!_

_Nevertheless, this could have numerous advantages, if I were able to turn her to the Dark Side. She could make a useful little puppet for us._

_Although, this will not be an easy task, as there is still the little matter of her gross vandalism of the Death Star._

_Blue and yellow gingham everywhere. Decorative pillows. Chenile throws. Plaid wallpaper. And how on earth she managed to paint the entire exterior bright yellow with a black smiley-face in so short a time, I do not even want to comprehend. In an attempt to defend her actions, she spoke at length about the delicious irony of a brightly smiling Death "Thingy", and informed me that the directed energy superlaser would shoot out of the left "eye", and form sort of a "wink"._

_I may have orchestrated a galactic war merely for the sake of consolidating my own rise to power, but there is a limit to what I am capable of. Never could I have imagined such undiluted evil._

_French Country Provincial, she calls it. I do not know what any one of those words means. But they sound positively despicable._

_I do not wonder that the personnel cower in fear when they see her coming; likely afraid that they'll find themselves dressed head to toe in pink before long. _

_But I swear, Lord Vader, if she so much as forms a thought about dispensing fashion advise to _me_, her potential usefulness will do little to save her._

_I think, for the first time, those Imperial guards of mine who have proven themselves so useless might come in handy. Guarding my closet._

_Love and kisses,_

_Palpy_

_-------------------------------------------------_

_Dear Mr. Joker,_

_I'm exhausted! I've spent the past week tirelessly decorating. And let me tell you, it is _not_ easy to decorate and entire Death Star by yourself, which is basically what it amounted to, as Mr. The Emperor's personnel are absolutely useless when it comes to this sort of thing._

_Honestly, how hard can it be to hang a curtain in a straight line?_

_Perhaps I ought to think about enrolling some of the men in an interior decorating program along with their time management courses._

_Nevertheless, I was very pleased with how the Death Star came out, considering I had to decorate all 500 floors alone. It's lovely, all blue and yellow and flowered and checked, with sunflowers and lilacs and daisies. So cheery! I thought about going with the same modern minimalist approach, in warm neutrals, as I used for Mr. The Emperor's little Alone-Time Area, but I don't think he was terribly happy with it. He seemed rather short with me when I went to say goodbye the morning I left. Then, on the way out of Coruscant, I saw all of the potted plants I've been tenderly and lovingly raising to brighten up the place and inspire his evil genius imagination floating past the ship from a jagged hole in the window. And they all looked decidedly…crispy. _

_The man is certainly not a green thumb, if he managed to kill them all that fast._

_His thumb is actually very pale, and rather wrinkly, if one wants to get technical about it. And occasionally, electricity shoots out of it and makes me drop things._

_What a prankster he is._

_At any rate, back to the Death Star. As much as a modern minimalist approach might have been more suitable for such a unique and non-traditional space, I thought that perhaps it might be unwise to repeat the fiasco with his Special Alone-Time Area so soon; perhaps he was more of a traditionalist. _

_Apparently, he is not._

_He arrived this morning, and I ran to meet him, eager to show off the wonderful success I'd had in turning that mass of dull, cold metal into something warm and inviting. After all, people have to live in this thing! Men and women, longing for their own comfortable homes, and their own loving families._

_Sigh._

_Oh, Mr. Joker, I miss you so much. I miss your smile, and your voice, and most of all, that wonderful, snuggly blanket you have on your bed._

_Although, the snuggly blankets on my bed would do quite well in a pinch._

_As long as you still came with them._

_Mr. The Emperor, as I've said, was not impressed with my decorating skills._

_So unimpressed was he, in fact, that he took it upon himself to undecorate the entireity of Floor 337, by simply removing it from existence. _

_Too bad, really; 337 was my favourite. It was the one with the pretty white stone fireplace with the blue and yellow glass mosaic, and the aquarium. And the indoor flower garden._

_I tried to stop him; I really did. But he just kept gently swatting me out of the way and destroying things with the purple lightning he sometimes shoots when he's having a tantrum._

_I'm very glad you don't shoot lightning when you're angry, Mr. Joker. _

_And honestly, I would have thought that showing him our grand masterpiece would have cheered him up a little bit. After all, who _wouldn't_ get at least a chuckle from the sight of his Death Star thingy painted brightly yellow, with a smiley-face on it? It might sound a little silly, but the effect was absolutely adorable. Particularly as the boys and I managed, after several attempts, to put the left eye directly over the directed energy superlaser (the boys were rather annoyed when I laughed and asked them to tell me what it was _really_ called) so that whenever we shoot the thing, it looks as though our smiley-face is winking! It's adorable! _

_But even that didn't cheer up Mr. The Emperor very much, and he was still rather grumpy when I broached the matter of getting these poor men some decent uniforms. _

_And now, I am rather bored, because he refuses to come out of his rooms, simply mutters something about how he knew it and I won't be destroying _his_ wardrobe with my infernal pink chenile, and the Imperial Guards stationed at the door refused to let me in. I swatted them all out of the way, but Mr. The Emperor still wouldn't come out , and he just shot lightning at the door when I tried to open it, and made me drop my pretty light sword thingy! Now, what on earth did he hope to accomplish by ruining other people's things? Particularly, when they were all borrowed from him in the first place?_

_Therefore, Mr. Joker, it seems that you are in luck: as my boss is currently not speaking to me and instead indulging in quite a little fit of sulks, I shall have plenty of time to write up your report for you. I had thought of trying to round up some of the men who do _not_ run away when they see me coming and seeing if we could rebuild Floor #337, but I think I hardly have the energy._

_I'll email it straightaway when I'm finished, alright, Sir? Honestly, never trust a man to do a woman's job. Particularly if it's a man whose greatest influence has been Mr. The Emperor._

_Lots of love,_

_Wendy_

_P.S. Of course we knew that Yomiko was hiding in a library, Mr. Joker; it was simply a matter of which one. There _are_ several hundred thousand in the world, you know._

_------------------------------------------------------------_

_Dear Wendy,_

_I don't find it hard to beleive that you like to write when you're tired, considering the length of your last letter. Believe me, my dear, I do greatly appreciate that you don't talk that much in person._

_Although, I would be quite glad to hear you speak for hours without ceasing, if it meant that Mr. Vader was well and truly out of my way. I had a brief reprieve when it came to my attention that the two eldest Paper Sisters, Drake Anderson, Nancy Makuhari, Nenene Sumiregawa, and Junior had all been killed in an exploding helicopter._

_Oh, yes; that's right. Junior has switched sides. You see, Wendy? You always say that you have no idea how to handle children, that they always hate you almost as much as you hate them, but obviously you were doing something right. I don't recall Junior pulling a lot of acts of treachery _before_ you ran off to fetch tea for another man._

_Bloody inconvenient, both the treachery and the exploding helicopter, since that's our author, our new Mr. Gentleman, _and_ all our bargaining material gone in one go, but at least the Gentleman book wasn't harmed . They _are_ very nearly indestructible, as we learned when we let you deliver them to their intended keepers before you'd gotten completely over the penchant for accidents. I do hope poor Webber has overcome his fear of friendly, unassuming little blondes._

_I sent Mr. Vader to have a wee word with Anita King, ostensibly thinking that perhaps some miracle would let him manage to draw her over to our side and reconcile her to her fate as the _new_ new Mr. Gentleman. However, I suspect that my subconcious simply doesn't like noisy, bratty little girls very much._

_While he was away, I finally got some real work done, winning over President Cole and making a few useful discoveries about his busy hands, as well as an interesting discovery that the helicopter hadn't really exploded as thoroughly as we had expected._

_He telephoned me at this point, although I suspect that he accidentally hit the speed dial while attempting to telephone for a pizza, and started shouting something incomprehensible about coming home just as soon as this noisy little female experienced the full power of the Dark Side at me over a sound disctinctly like Anita King being bounced around a schoolroom. _

_I don't know which of those two I feel sorrier for. _

_Although, I feel the occasional pang of sympathy for Mr. The Emperor, despite his being responsible for a good deal of my current misery, as it is apparent he has no idea how to properly handle his help. If you have been decorating as tirelessly as your letter suggests, then it probably hasn't been safe for the poor man to so much as breathe around there. Do try to take it easy on him, Wendy. Remember, he's old, and well set in his ways. Not to mention, his heart may not be able to take such drastic changes to his decor._

_Assuming, of course, that he _has_ a heart._

_Ah, yes; I received the report without a problem, my dear. Thank-you for your hard work. I know you're busy, too._

_Also, thank-you even more for the – ahem – photos enclosed along with the report. I've needed something just like this to lift my spirits._

_As it were._

_I look forward to enjoying those images in person, just as soon as this fiasco comes to a crashing end and I have my sweet, competent, halfway-sane Wendy back._

_Expecting to have good dreams tonight,_

_Joker_

_P. S. Don't be so defensive, Wendy; I was only teasing._

_---------------------------------------------------------------------_

End Notes: Sorry this update took so long! I hope you liked it, and thanks again to all who are readin:)_  
_


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